I once went missing. In that strange gap between adolescence and
adulthood, when the mind’s maturity still lags behind the body’s, a friend and
I disappeared for a few hours, sparking an urgent search. What happened that
summer night was so strange and exciting that I am fairly certain I will still
remember it when I am old and grey and unable to remember much else. It was the
kind of extraordinary moment that can only burn itself into the memory at a
time when the world is still new enough to seem surprising at every turn.
After our A-level exams, two friends and I had set off from Durham for
the Lake District for a few days’ camping, our first real break after two years
of hard work. Matthew Williams, Jess Robinson and I were massive geeks (we
still are, of course, but the effect has been lessened as age has made geeks of
even our coolest contemporaries). While thousands of our peers lost their
virginity and picked up gonorrhoea on the vodka-soaked beaches of the Med,
Matthew, Jess and I went on long walks, ate banoffee pie, discussed the books
we’d read, and tried – and failed – to name all fifty American states
(DELAWARE! DAMN YOU TO HELL DELAWARE!). We climbed to the top of hills and,
with the freshly acquired knowledge of our Geography A-level, we discussed how
the beautiful sunlit valleys before us had been carved out over thousands of
years by the tremendous force of glaciers. Our friendships felt bespoke: three
young people who could never be considered ‘cool’, but who had managed by sheer
fluke to find a dozen or so other teenagers who thought ‘being cool’ meant
knowing capital cities and the arguments for and against House of Lords reform.
Reading our list of hobbies you’re probably glad you didn’t go on that holiday,
but I will always be very grateful that I was there.
I knew I had an important task to perform during our few days away. With
some prompting from a few members of our group who already knew, I had decided
that I had to tell Jess that I was gay; after all, we were close friends and
were planning to go travelling together later in our gap year; to keep such a
secret from her seemed unnecessary. Anyway, I knew exactly what her reaction
would be: she would say that she supported me, that it didn’t make any
difference to our friendship, perhaps that she had already worked it out. But I
was wrong. Her reaction was quite different.
At the end of an evening sitting by the campfire, and on our way to
brush our teeth, I decided to steal Jess for a few moments and get the job
done. We strolled away from the campsite. I'm not sure how long we walked
through the heavy darkness, but eventually we found ourselves next to a lake,
glittering ever so slightly in the blackness. I can’t remember exactly what we
spoke about, but I know I was beating around the bush for a while before I
finally summoned the courage to say, ‘I’m gay’.
Jess’ reply blindsided me: ‘I am as likely to turn up to a reunion in
twenty years’ time with a woman as with a man’.
It was the one reaction I hadn’t expected. I had been so wrapped up in
my own life and my own struggles – like most eighteen-year-olds are – that I
had completely missed something that had been in front of me for two years.
Jess told me she had never revealed this secret to anyone else, and so what was
supposed to be a quick chat before bedtime was soon becoming a long and complex
conversation as Jess unburdened herself of so many years of secret keeping. We
talked about the people we had fancied, our celebrity crushes (Helen Hunt –an
excellent choice! – and Jesse Spencer from Neighbours, obviously) and more
serious things, like how to come out at university, to the rest of our friends,
and to our families. Time seemed to lose its significance; there was so much to
say, and it almost felt as if this conversation was the most important thing
happening anywhere in the universe.
But we were not the only people in the universe, not by a long way. You
might be wondering what our dear friend Matthew was doing while all this
earnest chat and secret-swapping was going on. Surely he had brushed his teeth
and gone to bed, and was now lying sound asleep while his friends unravelled
the complexity of their newly adult lives? Not quite. See, Matthew was too good
a friend to go to sleep not knowing where his friends had gone, and after
searching for a few hours on his own, he had contacted the Lake District Search
and Mountain Rescue team.
Oh yes.
That’s right.
Shit was about to get very real.
Mountain Rescue explained, with extraordinary tact, that generally when
an eighteen-year-old male and an eighteen-year-old female abscond from a
camping trip in the middle of the night, the policy is to wait a few hours and
give them time to return of their own accord before sending out a search party.
This did little to quell Matthew’s concern (he probably had an inkling that
midnight shenanigans were not on the agenda for me and Jess!), and so he had
phoned his father.
When Jess and I returned to our tent at about 4am, there was no sign of
Matthew. After finally locating a torch, we discovered a shocking note: he had
gone to look for us. What should we do? Set off to look for him in turn? Or
stay at the tent and wait for him to come back? Or was there some kind of
Mountain Rescue organisation we should ring? Matthew would know exactly what to
do, but Matthew wasn’t here anymore!
After some deliberation, we decided to set off to find our friend. We
wandered for quite a while, in pitch blackness, and we became aware of how
limiting the darkness could be: with no streetlights and no towns nearby, it
was impossible to tell if Matthew was anywhere near us or not. We tried calling
for him, but heard no response. What had been mild concern was quickly becoming
the kind of intense worry that Matthew himself must have been feeling for
several hours already.
Finally, walking down a lane so shrouded in darkness that even our own
feet were completely invisible, we became aware of two figures walking towards
us. We knew it wasn’t Matthew, who was on his own; but then as the other people
moved past us something pulled us back towards them:
‘Matthew? Is that you?’
It was Matthew – thank goodness! – but it was not only Matthew.
It turned out that his father, John, had been just as worried as his son about
me and Jess, and at one o’clock on a weekday morning, he had climbed into his
car and driven eighty miles from Durham to find us. When Jess and I realised
what had happened, we obviously felt awful, and began to apologise profusely,
bracing ourselves for a well-deserved lecture on how to be responsible adults.
But John Williams’ reaction was the second surprising reaction of the evening:
‘As long as you’re both safe,’ he said, ‘That’s the main thing. And anyway, I
will get to see a beautiful sunrise on my drive back to work.’
***
The best way I can think of describing what it feels like to be gay and
in the closet, is that it is as if you are missing from your own life. As a
closeted person moves through their world, as if in total darkness,
meticulously covering their tracks, neutralising pronouns, lying about their
movements, fabricating imaginary lovers who live too far away to ever appear,
or not daring to speak the name of the actual lovers who exist in closets
nearby, the true self is absent, locked away, pushed so far down that it is no
surprise that those neglected selves sometimes never make it back to the
surface.
Jess was one of the first people to come out to me, but there have been
many more since that day. Some friends have come out about their sexuality, but
others have made confessions about grief, or debt, or infidelity, or
depression, or illness, or unrequited love. Of course I have had to come out
too, and perhaps it is something that straight people sometimes don’t grasp,
that coming out as gay is an endless process, like the weathering of a
landscape – often the answer to the question ‘When did you come out?’ can be
something like ‘Half an hour ago, to the guy who delivered the washing
machine’. But I’ve promised myself that I will always come out when the
situation requires; not only because I refuse to ever again go missing from my
own life, but because I know that there might be others around me who are in
darkness, and they may need someone with the kindness of John Williams to bring
them to safety.
Coming out – revealing our true selves, including our greatest flaws and
the attributes that others may perceive as our greatest flaws – is to make
ourselves vulnerable. Vulnerability, in turn, is often used as a synonym for
weakness, but from the image of Jesus Christ hanging bloodied and tortured on a
cross, to the singer Adele crying over her lost love at the Brit Awards, we
seem to be drawn to those who are able to expose their pain but also retain
their strength. In fact evolutionary theory reveals that being able to display
vulnerability may actually be a way of displaying strength to others.
In his epoch-defining book 'The Selfish Gene', Richard Dawkins considers
vulnerability and the part it plays in one of the greatest mysteries in
evolutionary theory – why, if genes are locked in constant gladiatorial combat
against the genes of others, do individuals intentionally make themselves
vulnerable and behave altruistically? He describes the trait of a small species
of bird in which one male will typically act as a lookout for the others as
they feed. Ostensibly, the individual bird gains nothing and puts himself in
huge danger: he makes himself conspicuous to predators, and therefore risks his
very existence – surely, this lessens the chances of him reproducing and
passing on his genetic material? But Dawkins hypothesises that he is doing
something else as well: he is saying to all the lady birds, ‘I am strong and
powerful enough to put myself in great danger without fearing the consequences;
if any predator attacks, I have the power and gumption to give him a damn good
pecking’. By extension, when we as human beings reveal our vulnerability - when
we come out - we are telling our detractors that a weakness is only a weakness
for as long as its bearer treats it as such.
***
A decade and a half has now passed since our midnight confessions, and
the glacier of history has continued its inexorable progress. Same-sex
marriage, not allowed anywhere in 2000, is now legal in eighteen countries,
from Sweden to Uruguay, Canada to South Africa; just a few days ago, there was
a dramatic new development in Illinois, where same-sex marriage, which was due
to begin in June, was brought forward in Cook County to 22 February, resulting
in 46 couples rushing down to pick up their marriage licenses, and breaking new
ground for equality in America’s fifth most populous state (which makes
Illinois much more significant than, say, Delaware, which is 45th in
population and therefore utterly forgettable. Delaware? More like Dela-where?).
There is so much abstract discussion of homosexuality as an issue –
social, political, legal and biological – that it can seem as if we are viewing
the whole thing like a coastguard looking out of a helicopter: we see the
churning waves and passing tides, but sometimes it can be almost impossible to
believe that there are individual human lives down there, being tossed around
by the irresistible power of the water. I have sometimes felt that way as an
observer of the struggle for equal marriage in the US, which is still by far the
most complex struggle anywhere in the world. Through circuit courts and
constitutional amendments, Supreme Court rulings, the introduction and then
repeal of Proposition 8 and of the Defence of Marriage Act, popular votes won
and lost and judicial rulings increasingly choosing to be on the right side of
history, discriminatory laws have been chipped away, killed off, and
occasionally #spoileralert resurrected like Glenn Close in
'Fatal Attraction'. As for individual people, they have sometimes seemed invisible
in all of this: the women who simply want to hold their dying wives’ hands; the
men who want to be fathers to their children not only in their hearts but in
the eyes of the law. But history is not a single sweeping narrative, it is the
accumulated stories of people just like us.
And then this week, amidst the deluge of newsprint and debate, from a
distance of 4000 miles, I picked out a face I know very well, sparkling like a
familiar diamond transcending the surface of this great historical glacier. There,
in a TV news report from Chicago, standing in front of a clerk in Cook County,
Illinois, with her fiancée standing next to her and wearing the truest and most
wonderful smile I have ever seen on her face, was my old friend Jess Robinson,
applying for the marriage license that will complete the ascendance that she
started in a deep valley fourteen years ago. The eighteen-year-old girl who
first revealed herself in such intense darkness that the expression on her face
was almost completely obliterated, seemed to be illuminating the room with the
light of her smile as she and the love of her life, Becka West, made history by
becoming one of the first 46 same-sex couples to marry in the state of
Illinois. They were making themselves vulnerable, of course – anyone they knew
could see them on television, could pass judgment on their relationship – but
anybody who saw them must also concede that they were revealing their strength,
as individuals, and now, for the rest of their lives, as a couple. They were not
afraid, why should they be? For the greatest weapon we have against fear is
love. I realised that my friend has made it all the way to the top of her
mountain, and there she was standing, triumphant, and able to enjoy the
beautiful landscape that all her struggles have carved.
If only all the movement in this great liberation struggle had been
forward: but sadly, as some countries have increasingly recognised the rights
of gay people to be respected and treated equally, we have seen a frightening
rise in homophobic legislation in places like Russia, India, Uganda and
Nigeria, and a disgraceful failure on the part of the Australian government to
follow the same path of progress as other western democracies. I hope that
those of us who are lucky enough to live in countries which respect human
rights do not allow our liberation to make us forget the terrible struggles
that people like us still endure around the world.
Just as the progress of gay rights has been mixed over the last fourteen
years, so there have been ups and downs in our group of friends too: there have
been many happy weddings besides Jess and Becka’s, and, in the last few years,
many beautiful children have added a fantastic new dimension to our friendship
group; but there has also been loss and pain.
A few years after our Lake District adventure, and before I was ever
able to thank him properly for what he did that night, John Williams died very
suddenly. I will always be sad that I never had the chance to explain, from one
adult to another, what his kindness meant to me and Jess that night. At a
turning point in both our lives, a moment full of fear and trepidation, he
would have been completely justified in giving us a lecture about being
responsible adults. We expected him to; indeed we probably deserved it.
Instead, and although he probably died without ever knew the exact reason for
our disappearance, John’s reaction that night felt like an implicit acceptance
of what Jess and I had told each other; our unexplained vanishing was met with only
kindness and forgiveness.
I have tried to remember the lesson that Matthew’s dad taught us: to not
leap to judgment, because the reasons for people’s mistakes may not be what
they seem. I know that he would have celebrated my and Jess’coming out, because
his son has remained one of our staunchest allies and most loyal friends over
the last fourteen years. When Matthew and I talk about his dad, the subject of
that night in the Lakes will often come up, and Matthew knows that Jess and I
will always regard it as one of the greatest acts of kindness that we have ever
received. What a wonderful thing to be remembered for.
All of us will endure struggles in our lives – grief, heartbreak,
exclusion and loneliness will come to us each in turn – and the act of bearing
terrible burdens and needing to release them is unfortunately not unique to gay
people. But maybe this is part of why gay people exist. If we can find our way
through the darkness of this struggle, to come out and reveal our strength
through our vulnerability, we will be able to find others who have gone missing
from their lives and bring them back home too. A few weeks ago, another of the
wonderful lesbians in my life, my friend Charlie Atkinson, introduced me to a
song about the history of the gay liberation movement by John Grant in which he
sums up this idea with simple eloquence:
‘This pain
It is a glacier moving through you
And carving out deep valleys
And creating spectacular landscapes
And nourishing the ground
With precious minerals...’
The symbol of the LGBT community is a rainbow, and yes, it might be a
thing of many colours, a sign of diversity – but a rainbow is often paid for
with a storm, just as the awesome erosion wrought by a glacier is the price of
a beautiful valley. I am sure that if we can draw a meaning for the existence
of all of these varieties of human being, it is that what matters most about
our lives is not whether we create new people and perpetuate the species, as if
we were merely arbitrary links in an endless biological chain; but that we are
able to love and enhance the lives of the people who are already here, to be
kind, to offer help when help is needed, to reveal our true selves and in so
doing give others license to reveal their true selves as well. When our friends
go missing we don't just go to sleep, we go out into the darkness and bring
them home. It is something John Williams understood, and that he has passed on
to his son; it is something that Jess and her wife know, and it is something
that we would all do well to live by.
Jess and Becka, congratulations. Your marriage is of course one of the
brightest moments in your lives, but it is truly one of the most wonderful
moments in my life too. I am honoured and extremely proud to call you my
friends – and Jess, if you turn up to our December reunion without your woman
on your arm, shit is going to get really, really, really real.
Like, Mountain Rescue real.